Seven Things I Should Like, But Really Don’t

fishandchips

Is this appetising? Really??

Deep Fried food
I know, I know. It’s precisely the kind of guilty pleasure one should indulge in with fervent panache, but my consumption capacity for grease-soaked fare is pathetically limited.

Fish and chips is pretty much my nightmare meal experience. Afterwards, I always feel like I’ve swallowed both Kathy Burke and Jo Brand dissolved in a gallon of lard. I lived in the UK for two decades and there’s some truly fabulous food to be had, but it’s definitely not this sorry excuse for “a national dish”.

Massages
A little back rub, fine. But don’t ask me to go all the way, please. I can’t imagine anything worse than being splayed out on a table like a pig carcass ready for quartering, and then have a white-coated ‘professional’ inflict deep-tissue bruising and crank all my hinges out of alignment. In Medieval times, they strapped heretics to the rack, but WHY would anyone PAY to have this done to themselves?!

Massage

Flamenco Music
It’s the singing, not so much the dancing, just to clarify. I detest any kind of yowling. Especially when it emanates from short, tubby, medallion-adorned males, bawling forth about some woman having turned them out into the dusty street. Most likely because they were forever tinkling on their guitars, drunk as skunks, never bringing home any dough. “Get a proper job!” is what I want to shout at them, “and if you absolutely *must* be an artist, can’t you do it quietly?! Preferably with a spray can in an underpass in Brixton at 3am.”

Flamenco Singer

Yes, yes, she did you wrong, but pleeeease go cry over it AT HOME!

Cooking
I resent having my three working braincells clogged up with the eternal question ofย  “what am I going to have for dinner”?

As far as I’m concerned, Sisyphus had it easy. At least, he didn’t have to come up with different ways of boiling, broiling, frying and stirring that boulder up the hill. Unlike my weary old self trudging along the supermarket aisles with that blasted trolley.

You see, when I’m not working or spending time with other people, I just wanna think about what I wanna think about. Which is NOT, “is this onion brown enough yet?” And by the time I’ve chopped up the peppers, the soddin’ onion will inevitably be the colour and consistency of coal tar.

Should I ever have more than two nickels to rub together (and it’s not looking particularly good on that front), you know what I’d splash out on first? No, not a shopping pilgrimage to Dubai. Nor a world cruise. What I truly want in my life is a personal chef. Someone who serves me up delicious, healthy food three times a day. (Followed by cake, of course). Someone who forages for it, cooks it and clears up the blasted mess afterwards. If I don’t ever have to set foot in a kitchen again, well that’s just fine and dandy by me.

Sisyphus

Perfume
People are not, in fact, flowers. Curiously, many do not seem to be aware of this. To me, dousing oneself with overpriced, piss-hued concoctions is the olfactory equivalent of romping up the high street clad in animal print: Bloody ridiculous. And just as offensive.

Smelling ‘clean’ sure is nice, and there there may be a faint whiff of shampoo, soap or washing powder drifting about the person. These are perfumes, too, I realise, but they don’t grab you by the throat and make your eyes water if you get too close.

I really don’t know which is worse – someone chomping on an onion burger with a side order of whitebait sat next to me on the metro or one of those hyperscented wenches bent on fumigating the entire carriage.

PerfumeTheatre
This is how I get sucked in: A bunch of people I really like asks me if I might want to come to the theatre with them, and I think to myself, “oh well, it might be fun this time…”, but it ALWAYS turns into an ordeal.

After the first ten hopeful minutes, when it becomes evident that it won’t get any better, I sit there, for the next six hours, in drowsy disbelief. (My time perception goes awry in three places: the dentist, the gyno and the theatre).

I start counting and categorising stage props. I imagine the actors nude. Or, even better, mute.ย  Once, I fell asleep. In a Broadway theatre. During Annie Get Your Gun. I feigned jet lag to my mortified friends.

Stageacting

I’m sure getting “dressed up” in old curtains and prancing about in your parents’ bedroom was all very cute when you were five…

Cream Cakes
OK, this is a total shocker coming from me. But I have to fess up at some point. I quite like a dollop of fresh cream, but cloying layers of vanilla, caramel, chocolate or whatever-flavour-gloop they employ in the construction one of those impressive patisserie towers – it’s just not my thing.

Pretty... but... meh!

Pretty, but…

Give me a nice bit of sponge cake, a slab of cheese cake or an entire poppy seed strudel any day.

So, what about the rest of you? Any deep-seated, irrational, Luddite dislikes to report?

98 thoughts on “Seven Things I Should Like, But Really Don’t

  1. roughseasinthemed

    Totally disagree with the first four. I like all of them. Are you sure you have had ‘proper’ fish and chips? Light crispy batter, equally light fluffy chips, succulent fresh haddock, NOT limp frozen cod. Fried food is great, when it’s fried well.

    Since my hob bailed out on me, I’ve been cooking in the oven, slower so easier to match prep and cooking. Although you could prep before …

    Perfume, unless it’s very subtle, yuk. Nice fresh soap or gel, tolerable. Decent shaving smells similarly. I used to like theatre but only went to classics really. Eclair are ok, but I haven’t had a cream cake, or any cake, in years.

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    1. ladyofthecakes Post author

      I’ve had plenty. Some better, some worse.

      I had some really good croquetas a year ago… divine!

      Eclairs – meh! I remember once a friend bringing some along, thinking it would please me no end. I didn’t want to disappoint her, so I feigned enthusiasm while eating mine. Very slowly.

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  2. Jenna

    Ok, so I’m totally with you on massages. I do like back rubs given to me by someone I care about, but I certainly won’t pay for one…with money. ๐Ÿ˜‰ And cream cakes – I don’t know I’ve ever had one? I like non-sweet desserts – or alcohol-soaked ones ๐Ÿ™‚

    I hate feet – foot rubs, foot massages, people even making moves to touch my feet. I’m not huge on fried (though once in a while, I definitely crave it),

    Mostly, though, I HATE BREAD!!!!!!!!!!! All kinds of bread. I eat the insides of sandwiches. Bread is NOT FUN. YUCK!

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    1. ladyofthecakes Post author

      You hate bread?!? That’s a new one for me ๐Ÿ˜‰

      I don’t like 99% of the bread here in Spain, those white, tasteless sliced faux baguettes they serve with everything, urgh. I do eat it, but only when I’m really hungry.

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      1. Jenna

        I abhor it!

        Though there was one place in Madrid where they gave me part of a round loaf, and I ate it all. I almost asked for seconds. The crust was so thick and hard and REALLY crunchy.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. BerLinda

      I’m a huge bread fan but I fucking hate massages! For me, it’s the least relaxing thing you could ever do! Friends have bought me vouchers and I’m like ‘um, do you actually know me at all?’ Fucking horror.

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  3. suej

    I’m with you on the first three, and perfume unless it is subtle. As for cooking, I do like to cook but there are times when I would like good, healthy, tasty and nourishing food served to me….because I worked out the sheer number of hours I was losing to prep, cooking and clearing. Yikes! My days are short enough now because of fatigue, and sometimes I just want to do ‘me’ things….

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  4. prior

    I can;t even answer your answer question yet because I am still just enjoying the friggen laugh – my left cheek is sore – I mean – I had belly laughs – but not sure what is up with the left cheek – must be a good humor thing. be back later – but thanks for this comic relief to my day –

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  5. Karolyn Cooper

    All perfumes make me sneeze. And I can’t walk within 100 metres of a “Lush” shop. Do you know those shops? Very strongly scented soaps? I need to cross streets to get away from them.

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. Debbie Smyth

    So no churros for you either?

    I do like good fish and chips and theatre , though I’m very selective. Went to see Matilda this week and it was great. But I’m with you wholeheartedly on cooking and cream cakes

    There are hundreds of things I don’t like. I am easily irritated. But now you ask for a list my mind goes blank. Obviously selective memory loss over my own foibles!

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  7. Anna

    I love fried food and massages. I could eat something deep-fried WHILE getting a full-body massage. I like perfume in theory but a bottle lasts me a decade – anything more than a dab once a week gives me a headache. The rest of your list I’m take it or leave it, or ‘depends on the quality’ (like theater – I prefer classical).

    I dont know what my ‘should like but dont’ list would contain. Veal? Lamb? I’m a die-hard carnivore but these two meats dont do much for me, I prefer port and proper sirloin or rib-eye cut of beef. Most of modern art can go away for all that I care. And UGGS, comfort be damned. If I live in Russia without them….

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  8. camparigirl

    I probably disagree with most of your dislikes (but we do have cream cakes in common), although I understand. But I do have to comment on the cooking: I promise you there is a meditative element to cooking that allows for thoughts to wander as the onions brown. You just need to get there by learning first! And, why I love the theatre, bad theatre is physically painfulm even more so because it tends to be expensive.

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    1. ladyofthecakes Post author

      I know some people find cooking very relaxing and a great stress reliever. It has the opposite effect on me, even with simple dishes that I know how to do backwards.

      And now… CAKES! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  9. The Sicilian Housewife

    How funny! Perfume yeuuuuuch!!!!! I agree with you so strongly on everything except the fish and chips. I do love fat, fat is delicious.
    My personal replacement of that would be going to the hairdresser, which I find a terrible ordeal and I always wish I could go to the dentist instead. He actually makes interesting conversation, and even if he gets boring I don’t have to bother answering, because his thumb is in my mouth.

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      1. TheLastWord

        I like getting a haircut. I tell her to ditch the clippers and use scissors only. Then I can sit back, relax, feel her fingers in my hair…. I’ve been known to snore in the chair.

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  10. TheLastWord

    Flamenco music – I can do without. I’m with you on that. Not just the singing and dancing but the fast vibratory guitar playing what sounds like a monotonous string of strums with no chord changes.

    Massages: When my next / shoulder act up as happens once every other year, I have no choice but to get one.

    Perfume: I don’t mind a little something. Sorry, I did not mind, past tense. i’ve lost my sense of smell and Yahoo tells me that I therefore have only weeks to live. But it’s been gone for a few years, so….

    Fried food: Are you serious! Fried food is the best food. Everything tastes better fried, with spices, of course.

    Cakes: I don’t do desserts much.

    Cooking: therapeutic

    Theatre: LOVE it. I wanted to be a playwright. I still do…. Much better than movies, especially modern plotless, CGI heavy movies.

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. Wendy Kate

    Chip shop chips…gotta have ’em when I go back to the UK. It’s a treat even though I might have to lay down for a bit afterwards ๐Ÿ˜‰ Quite enjoy flamenco music, can be very moving, yes, really. perfume? I do love my scent and rarely leave the house without a little spritz of it (It’s not a heavy one though) Theatre? You have just not been to the right plays I would say! ๐Ÿ™‚

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  12. LaptopsandLederhosen

    …peppers take longer than onions…
    When it comes to perfume, I’ll take it over BO. I’m still not European enough to appreciate the body odor of different folks, and the healthiness of bathing only once a week that they profess is behind their stinkiness. Sometimes on a hot day you can get a smell and be able to spot who dealt the smelt in a crowded bus or tram. Give me the watery eyes from too much sugar over too much sour/bitter…

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  13. Debbie Smyth

    I’ve got two now!

    I know that rocket is cool and trendy and all that, but I detest it. Even the smell makes me feel ill. Sadly, restaurants try to sneak into all sorts of things without warning: tuna sandwiches, pizzas, ice cream. Ok, ok, I lied. – I haven’t seen it in ice cream. Yet!

    And the other is Spanish hot chocolate. It’s too thick and gloopy. I really only like hot chocolate that I make myself with cocoa powder, milk and hardly any sugar. That said, great churros combined with thick hot chocolate may have converted me. I’ll have a post on this soon, but I feel that I need to try out more examples before going to print!

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  14. joannesisco

    I’m in agreement on fish and chips – I just don’t get the appeal at all – or cooking in general. I’m quite sure I was meant to have a pampered life that includes a chef – I’m still waiting for that injustice to be corrected.
    For the rest of it … it’s all good – well, except the really smelly elevators with so much scent in the air, it sticks to my clothes long after I’ve moved on. Even worse, when people get on the elevator and think I am the one responsible for the cloying stink.

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  15. barbedwords

    Yep, I can agree with you about everything – except fried food…fish ‘n’ chips, when they’re done really well, are amazing. My biggest dislike on the list is theatre. I just find it embarrassing for all concerned. Even worse when (as I did this week) I have to endure little children singing and prancing about on stage, and all the mums sighing, ‘Ah, bless ’em, they’re so cute.’ No. They’re not. The bad ones are out of tune, shouty and picking their noses. The good ones are smug and precocious.

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  16. June

    I’m with you on the theatre. I was brought to an opera once on a blind date. Thankfully we went for dinner first and had a few glasses of vino. The opera was so boring my date actually fell asleep. He was particularly tall so his head ended up on the knees of the guy behind him. It was the most interesting aspect of the opera for me.

    As for cooking, you know I can’t agree! Fish and chips can vary widely. Generally they are poor, but good fish and chips really are a delight. I like cream cakes that are not overly sweet, but I really hate those multi-layered sugary, glazed concoctions they have here. If I’m getting cream I want real cream.

    Things I should like but don’t? Cats. Cats are evil. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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    1. ladyofthecakes Post author

      Am with you on the real cream.

      Don’t even get me started on opera. You know, I’ve never actually been to one… the concept is so frightful and that funny kind of singing does nothing for me. I want to a ballet once and …what is the bloody point of that?!? I mean, it can’t be healthy for any of the participants.

      Cats are heavenly creatures. They purr.

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  17. bevchen

    How can you not like cream cake? Are you sure you’re German? 90% of cakes here seem to be chock full of cream.

    Good fish and chips are amazing. Bad ones are awful. As for perfume, I like it in moderation. Most people use far too much! If you smell like that perfume counter at boots you’re doing something wrong. Perfume should be subtle!

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  18. Kim in Fiji

    Well, have I got a solution for you! Send your gift certificates for massages to me. I love them. And also gifted theatre tickets. I can’t quite say I “love” theatre as I have not had so many opportunities to hone my taste – but have always enjoyed live plays I’ve seen, especially “Little Theatre” (local productions). I know I must hate SOMETHING. I distinctly remember saying, “I hate…” recently and cannot remember what was at the end of the sentence. It was likely some food item, but I am drawing a blank. (I do hate losing my mind – aging really sucks – but I don’t think that was what I was talking about. Bother bother. If I ever remember it – I’ll come back and edit this reply.)

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  19. linnetmoss

    I didn’t even know there was Flamenco singing without dancing. Searching images of flamenco singers on Google, I discovered that they all look like someone just shoved a habanero pepper up them. I was too scared to actually listen to the sound of that.
    Even though I love to cook, I’ve definitely had fantasies of my own personal chef. He would offer a very extensive “menu” ๐Ÿ˜‰

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  20. TBM

    Okay, I’m with you on cooking, Flamenco Music (not sure I’ve heard it though), Perfume (allergic) and it depends on the cream cake. But fried food. I can’t believe that.

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  21. NancyTex

    Fortunate for me, with my new shortage of time, I recently read and commented on another “things I should like but don’t” post on another blogger’s page. Here is what I said:

    – Meditation (canโ€™t. want to, just canโ€™t.)
    – Chocolate Mousse (or any mousse, really). The texture skeeves me out.
    – Multiple forms of meat on a sandwich (i.e. Bacon Cheeseburger). I donโ€™t combine meat.
    – Star Wars (have never watched a single minute of any of the kajillion movies). No interest. (You can add that LOTR crap in there too.)
    – 50 Shades of Grey. Blech.
    – Winter sports: skiing, skating, tobogganing. BRRRRR. No thanks.
    – Country music. Yes, the entire genre. I suppose there is a giant audience for that stuff. In no way do (or will I) contribute to this.

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  22. Jackie Cangro

    Totally with you on the perfume. Why would I want to spritz myself in a cloud of fake laboratory-created scents so I can smell “good”?

    The same applies to scented candles. I think I’m in the minority here, but I find the scented candles cloying and overpowering. Regular candles are fine.

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    1. Andean

      Have you ever been in an elevator with a heavily ‘perfumed’ person? ughh

      Not a fan of heavily fried food, what’s up with all that thick batter?
      Lightly browned is ok, I like my flounder that way.

      No problem cooking, when I am in the mood. I am making ‘llapingachos’ for Christmas. I made a great ‘puerco hornado’ recently, ‘con cuero’ an andean thing, served with aji.

      Don’t like eyes of newt.

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  23. prior

    okay, so I am back – my two fabs are the perfume and the overly greasy fried food.
    I am surprised that you do not like theatre – hm! and not sure if I have an opinion about the “cream” cakes – need to still try some more in the upcoming years! have a great holiday

    Liked by 1 person

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  24. Kim G

    Hmmm…. there are plenty of things I don’t like which I shouldn’t like. Snow removal is rather top-of-mind these days.

    But for things I maybe “ought” to like but don’t, goat cheese has to top the list. And it’s funny because I like all other forms of real cheese (not processed cheese “food”) including some stinkers like brie, camembert, blue, epoisse, you name it. But goat cheese? Too redolent of the goat itself, and otherwise kind of bland. And it’s increasingly inescapable. Virtually any restaurant with entrees over $9.99 will try to sneak it into all manner of things. I always have to ask for it to be left off.

    Perfume? Never in excess, but if it’s nice, and not too noticeable, yeah, I like it. As for people who bathe in it, they should be smothered with pillows soaked in their favorite scent.

    As for massages, it’s complete mystifying to me how someone could not like a massage. Really. Quite totally mysterious.

    Anyway, I could drone on, but the more I write, the less “recyclable” this comment becomes.

    Saludos,

    Kim G
    Boston, MA
    Where we also don’t like getting mail as most of it seems to do nothing but clutter up the house.

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