There are some linguistic faux pas that are mildly amusing, and then there are those that you’ll be reliving for the rest of your life with your innards squirming like a bucket of maggots under a floodlight. And, oh boy, this one will stay right up there in #1 position until the day I draw my last breath.
But let’s first set the scene. In June 2015, my friend Noelia and I embarked on a drive across the searingly hot Spanish Peninsula, from our homes in central Spain all the way down to the Algarve, Portugal. My Portuguese teacher kindly let us use her sea view apartment in the little town of Alvor for a week – an offer two gals obsessed with Portuguese food could not possibly refuse.
All was perfect with the abode, except for the minor matter of flat remote control battery, which meant that we could not access our allocated parking space. The next morning, we made our way to the local supermarket to buy a replacement battery (as well as loading up on delicious Portuguese cheese).
Now, the Portuguese language is rather tricky to pronounce, and, as in all languages, small deviations can make a huge difference to the meaning of words. Even though Noelia and I both speak fairly passable tourist-level Portuguese and we thought we knew the word for “battery” (pilha), our attempts at locating one in the store was but met by several pairs of quizzically raised eyebrows.
Our remote control required an N-size battery, which is even tinier than AAA, and so “We need a really small one, like this” were among the words that accompanied our hand gestures involving tumb and index finger indicating the size of the desired object.
Eventually, it dawned on the beleaguered members of staff what it was we were looking for, and they ushered us to the appropriate shelf, but, in the end, the store did not sell this particular kind.
While waiting in line to pay for our mountains of cheese, we were discussing, with obvious frustration, how hard it could possibly be to get hold of a silly little battery.
At this point, the guy behind us in the queue, a man in his sixties who could not help earwigging our (Spanish) conversation, cracked up laughing. Once he had managed to recover sufficient breath (but not a straight face), he told us what we had, in fact, been asking for.
Suddenly the staff’s perturbed facial expressions made sense… The helpful bystander to our phonetic phallacy also reliably informed us that, in Portugal, they did not, in fact, have small ones.
It subsequently transpired that Noelia, despite being blessed with a rather forgiving Mediterranean complexion, does not carry off the shade of beetroot very well. As for myself, I can’t say, as I had cringed into a tiny little ball ready to be swallowed by the Earth that was surely about to open up its merciful maws.
You may also be interested in my specialist language blog, see here: http://multilingualbychoice.blogspot.com
Ah. A bit like polla ?
And. For once, I love those Portuguese custard tarts. Even I devoured them at the train station in Olhao with my coffee. Superb
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Yes, quite a bit like that. But at least in Spanish, I won’t fall into that trap anymore (at least not so easily), LOL. Funnily enough, I never liked those little custard tarts, at least not while I was living in the UK. They are an acquired taste 🙂
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Oh no!!!! I loved custard tart. One of the few desserts I ever liked! My mother and grandmother made huge ones, but the local shop did small ones. Yummy pastry and melty custard. Sighhhh
I bet you didn’t like curd tart either did you?
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Well, in fact, I’m a big fan of all bakery involving quark (curd cheese). Does that count??
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No. Custard tart is eggs. Simple. Although curd tart is, err, ok, maybe. Have you ever had curd tart? 😀
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I do like custard 🙂 Custard tart, though, is not my favourite, I must admit. Oh my, this has just reminded me of when I worked for a McDonald’s supplier company in the early 90’s and had to make custard from industrial ingredients. It took years until I could eat custard again.
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No shame in asking for a small one every now and then! I’d go back and ask for a really large one, then nonchalantly buy half a dozen custard tarts while they’re picking themselves up off the floor. The food looks yum – I’m kinda jealous!
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I guess I could ask for a battery operated one…
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I dare ye!
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Give me a chance to recover…
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OH my gosh the photos are gorgeous! I’ve been wondering what you’ve been up to!
Looks like you have joined Linda, Anna, and I in the recent surge of writing about some phallic slip! And…in Portugal they don’t have small ones…that’s wishful thinking if I’ve ever heard it 😛
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Sounds like you have insider information… do tell us more 😉
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Isn’t it every man’s wishful thinking that “they don’t have small ones?” 😉
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Fair point 🙂
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As you know, I prefer a small one so I need to learn that particular phrase.
What’s the white and yellow cake made of?!
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I’ll teach it to you before you come and visit me in Lisbon. Where I don’t even live yet 😉 The cake is some fluffy construction made of beaten egg whites and lots of sugar…
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Best to be prepared : )
God, it looks tasty!
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It was 🙂
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Oh the misuse of a foreign language. I once asked for ten pussies while in Italy. All I wanted were figs! Great post!
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Ha ha, I do remember your pussy post 🙂 🙂
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I’ve also just unfollowed a crap load of annoying people on FB, lo and behold, I can now see all my favourite blogs! Lots to catch up on.
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There’s nothing like a good (and very late) spring clean 🙂
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Well, to follow on from your faux pas, it. Would appear there’s nothing like a good tart?? 😳
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I could not agree more…!
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So funny! I love Portugal too and those delicious custard tarts are not at all the same as the English egg custard tarts (but I like those as well). Nice to see you. And cake.
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Thanks Jude! And where I am, there will always be cake, rest assured 🙂
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I think it’s high time you went shopping for more, uh, of those things. Only this time, in addition to asking for small ones, you should also ask that they be of high quality and last a long time. And note that you’re willing to pay a bit more for quality, but won’t hesitate to return one that doesn’t function properly. And maybe while you do it, you could ham up your German accent just a smidgen, to heighten the effect.
Saludos,
Kim G
Boston, MA
Where we wonder how many other northern Europeans go to Portugal asking for the same thing. And how many leave just as disappointed?
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My next Portuguese class is scheduled for Monday. I shall enquire about these refinements to my demanding-customer routine. Just as well all my lessons are 1-2-1…
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WELCOME BACK! (If you have been around for the last 6 months, my computer has been doing some bad stuff to your posts.) What a joy to see another post from you. Hilarious, yummy and lovely. I must never meet you, having sworn off sugar – but love looking at the scent free photos. If you ever come Pacific-ward, do not ask for “Tang ” (the breakfast drink) in Chuuk, a “peeler” unless you pronounce it perfectly in English from an Indian shopkeeper, and do not mention “chilly” in Guam. We had a lot, lot, lot of with “chilly/chili” in Guam, from an American radio host’s annual “Hot Chamorro Chili Contest” to my best friend’s comment “i got a little chilly last night”
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Oh man, so many linguistic pitfalls to avoid! It’s probably easier to avoid sugar 🙂
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Welcome back!! And true to form!! Giggles galore… and love the pics. Cake porn. Beach porn. Phallic references… Must write something about pissing milk and spinach head one of these days – Bahasa Hindi mix ups!
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I crammed it all in there, didn’t I?? I can’t wait to read about spinach head… give it to us, girl 😉
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You sure did! I’m super jealous of the custard tart and cake action! Even more so the seafood – given that I’ve developed a bizarre allergy can only experience vicariously! Argh! The torture!!!
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Oh no 😦 …to seafood? It had better not be a cake allergy!!!
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Perish the thought!!
But yeah… last few years seafood decided to get nasty with me… get crazy sick… sigh…
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That sucks… I love seafood. Not as much as cake, though 😉
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I’d like to read your Hindi Bhasa mix up story!
I remember my first attempts at Bengali. I was trying to say “he lives next door” and actually said “he lives in my armpit”. So remember folks, the Hindi word “bagal” does not translate easily to the Bengali word “bogol”…. 🙂
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LOLOL! You deserve some Bhindi porn for that. Here you go: https://ffwrfromfiji.wordpress.com/2015/07/08/9-july-2015-2/
(scroll to about mid-way)
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OOOOHHHHH! Acres of bhindi!! Love it! Why can’t I have a field full?
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Coz too bloody cold in Canada, that’s why.
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I want to move somewhere warm soon. My wife says Portugal. I say Spain or Southern France.
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I’m also thinking Portugal at the moment… let’s all meet there and go on a Bhindi binge 🙂
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I’m all for it if I can buy an acre or two to grow bhindi and onions…
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Hahahahahahahaha!!! I’m still rolling on the floor… 😉
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Of course my Bengali mom-in-law was always surprised by my expression when she asked me if I wanted to ‘eat tea’. Bengali does not have a word for drink. They “eat” everything, including drinks.
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That is… fascinating! In the UK, that would actually make sense, since “tea” also means dinner. That confused the hell out of me at first.
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and dinner is lunch… no?
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No, dinner is dinner. But “tea” is a synonym. Although, you don’t “eat” it, you “have” it.
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I did learn about high tea and low tea… It has to do with the height of the table, I read. High table would mean a bigger, heavier spread.
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Yup! Chai khabo (or probably spelt different but sounds like that to me!)
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Nope, that’s right!
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We may just have to change your name to Lady of the Cocks 🙂
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I think I’ll leave that area of expertise to you… 😉
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Maybe 12 years ago I celebrated Christmas sharing my brothers van on the same beach where those rocks are! Nostalgia.
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The Algarve sure has fabulous beaches… they go on for miles and miles… shame the water is too cold to swim for most of the year. Not while we were there, though, the heatwave is everywhere!
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Lovely! There was a beautiful sun at Christmas but obviously it wasn’t that warm even when out of water (but of course my brother surfed a few waves. But he surfed in Norway still in September – October).
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Brrrrrrrrrr!
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Oh, and I always got a cappuccino when I asked for a “cup of tea” in Portugal 🙂
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LOL!
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I was already laughing just from reading the title 🙂 Good to have you back – and nice that a cock was the deciding factor – the old guy in the supermarket sounded like a character!
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He was great, in fact. We had a long conversation about politics, taxes and the spelling reform. (Yes, there was a long line at the till… but I’m sure we entertained every single customer…)
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I’m sure you brightened up an otherwise dull shopping trip for a lot of people!!
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Yup… and it gave those shop assistants something to talk about over dinner that night!
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And who wouldn’t choose cock over the weather as a conversation topic 😉
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As an ice breaker, it sure worked a treat!
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Oh dear. At least you got to drown your horror in cake.
I can’t vouch for all Portuguese batteries, but the one I’ve been sampling for 30+ years isn’t small.
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At least that guy wasn’t lying to us, then 😉
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Oh, you’ve decided to grace us with your presence have you? This reminds me of the time my colleague told everyone she likes watching “die Vögeln”.
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Good one! Lots of people like to watch, I’m told…
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Figs and almonds sound like a glorious combination in a cake. Which reminds me of a similar adventure in Italy asking for a scoop of fig (fico) gelato. Except I said “fica” and that’s slang for a certain female body part. No, I didn’t want THAT kind of gelato!
Great photos! Looks like you had lovely weather on your trip.
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Oh, it was an excellent cake… all sweet and moist and with a great texture. And I shall remember that little nugget of information for the next time I’m in Italy 😉
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Oh I have missed you! I’ve missed your fabulous photos, your love of cake, and mostly the shenanigans you seem to get yourself into 🙂
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It’s a tough job… but someone’s got to do it 🙂
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We wondered where you had gone. But now we know. Love Tavira and Olhao and the cute boats that take you to the islands.
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We only took one little boat trip, to see the caves, and it was great! Although I got sunburn on my knee…
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Oh my lord… that is priceless! Hopefully there were enough supermarkets in the area that you were still able to eat after any more vocab confusion. 🙂
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We stuck to little corner shops for the rest of our stay 😉 Not to mention all the glorious seafood restaurants!
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Best idea for vacation. Well, seafood and wine!
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That was entertaining. Always fun to try and speak the local language, pitfalls and all.
I don’t think there’s anybody who doesn’t like custard. Or tarts.
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I am a reformed woman! On the custard front, anyway 🙂
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Hmm – I can imagine how you immediately bought a few cakes just to get over your embarrassment!
I looked up Vogeln, I don’t think I will have occasion to use that phrase in the near future , but that is now not going to leave my head.
That beach is gorgeous!
Welcome back!
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It’s not vogeln, it’s vögeln – the umlaut makes a difference to pronunciation and meaning. Worth pointing that out, in case you should find yourself compelled to use it 😉 And yes, you’re spot on, a few cakes will make me get over just about anything. YAH!
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Luckily, I’m not an ornithologist, but not averse to watching a pretty bird or two…. 🙂
I shall have to watch Youtube videos on how to pronounce it now.. just to complete my eddicashun.
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It’s never too late, man, never too late…
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I always wanted to be a professional student.
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Stupid ‘Google Translate’ said it was birds… Your comment had me look it up. Good grief!!
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And you like everything to do with birds… we know that 🙂
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Well, now that you mention it, yes I do. 🙂
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… and “the birds and the bees” are surely in the same category 🙂
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The food photos brought me back to the delicious food I had in Lisbon. Mouth watering as I type
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I’m planning a trip to Lisbon in October… already making a mental list of all the delicious things I’m going to eat 🙂
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I think I’ll discreetly change the subject 🙂 🙂 Alvor’s a nice little spot, isn’t it? I applaud your choice of cake (well- all 3 of them really 🙂 )
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Thanks, at least someone’s willing to put the house in order 🙂
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This reminds me of a story I read about someone who was in Israel and ran into a friend on a bus he hadn’t seen in years. He wanted to say “I didn’t recognize you with your mishkafayim (eyeglasses) on” as the person had not needed them the last time they met. What he said was “I didn’t recognize you with your michnasayim (pants) on”. It’s something I found on the BBC website ages ago (http://www.bbc.co.uk/languages/yoursay/lost_for_words/hebrew/pants_or_glasses.shtml )
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LOL!
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Dear Lady of the Cakes,
You and I seem to be taking the same vacation from blogging of late. I wish I could say I have been busy like you, but that is not the case on my end.
And, although you may have been rarely heard from of late, may I say that your posts are in rare form as always?
Thank you for the laugh it was so welcome!
Lynda
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Aw, thanks, Lynda! I’ve had a trapped nerve for about four months, and I had to limit my computer time due to the pain. But I also needed a bit of a break to gain some headspace re. the kind of blogging I enjoy, which means fewer posts but, hopefully, of good quality 🙂
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RE: Quality – Nailed it! 😀
(My vacation from blogging has been my arthritic knees. I can’t remain sitting long enough to write much of anything. and it isn’t really the sitting, it’s the getting back up that kills! 😦 )
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Ahrgh, what a pair of decrepits we are 😦
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Yep. I hope we are both feeling better soon!
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My kind of post…and conversation!
Italy doesn’t have small ones either 😉
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WHY am I not surprised, LOL!
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Because you know me and how much I like ….um, never mind 😉
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Okay, I’ve gotta share a story. A friend, who speaks English, Russian, Spanish, and German–all well, had an Italian boyfriend. She didn’t speak Italian well and relied on knowing that the Spanish H tended to show up in Italian as an F, and similar tricks. (I’ll take her word on that, but onward.) So they went to Italy and stayed with the boyfriend’s mother, who asked, in Italian, if there was anything she didn’t eat. She wanted to say she didn’t eat liver, did her H to F trick, and ended up saying she didn’t eat pussy.
I think she gave up on Italian at that point. The boyfriend? He’s no longer around.
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LOL! She must have said “figa” 🙂 We sure love those kinds of anecdotes, we do, we do 🙂
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Sigh. And we have good reason to. They keep us from despair.
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Wonderfully hilarious! I have many similar stories myself so you’re in great company but this is a true classic. Well done 🙂
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I fear there will be many more to add to the list of my linguistic fiascos… just watch this space 😉
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