Street Snaps: The Penis Bride, Seeing Red, And A Caption Competition!

Brides-to-be… oh, how they agonise for months, years, even decades(!) over THE PERFECT DRESS! Then the big day finally arrives… and their ensemble may not be every inch the epitome of elegance in the way they had intended. At least not from every angle…

Does she or does she not look like a giant penis?!

There’s some serious hat envy going on here:

“Well, I bought mine first, so I’m keeping it on!”

What is it with garishly coloured hair, I wonder? I had a school friend once who dyed her long mane blue. She was 16, very beautiful, and it looked great. But why is it that middle-aged women are going for red? And I don’t mean the natural redhead look in an effort to hide the grey, oh no, it’s an all-out ****LOOK AT ME I’M HERE!!!**** tabasco sauce red.

IF there’s any life on Alpha Centauri, their WMDs will be trained on YOU!

…and YOU!

Yes, lady, that dress would so totally complete your look!

Leopard Print – The Sordid Sequel

Do you remember this lady from my leopard print rant a couple of weeks ago?

Well, this week, I spotted her doppelgänger:

I ruminated over this last one for ages, only to draw a complete and utter blank. So, I thought, I’d leave it to my very witty and inventive readers to think of a catchy caption. The guy sitting behind the bench, in case you can’t quite make it out, is actually dressed as a monk. I’ve no idea what he’s planning to do there.

Any suggestions???

That’s it for this week, peeps. If you’re a new reader and you want to catch up on the rest of the Street Snaps series, just click here.

Street Snaps: The Hideous Tops Special

Saturday afternoon, when I was out on my weekly Street Snaps mission, was beautifully warm and sunny. People got into position…

…for a spot of sunbathing…

…and to take pics from all humanly possible angles

Anyway, let’s get to the meat of it. Ahem. Over there past few months of stalking about the streets of Toledo, one “fashion” phenomenon was particularly hard to miss: The prevalence of ghastly patterned tops, primarily (but not exclusively) worn by middle aged and older women.

I’m neither an advocate of dull clothes nor of sombre solid colours, but surely, there is a line between cheerful and garish…? Evidently not.

Some of the pics are a bit blurry, but you’ll get the idea…

Did anyone call Spiderwoman…?
Those fridge magnets will make a splendid addition to your (no doubt very tastefully decorated) home.

OK… although you have almost the same dimensions as a church window, the stained glass effect isn’t nearly as flattering on you.

If you look at it for long enough, this thing actually stares back at you… scary!

Madam, if I may give you some spiritual advice…less looking at saints, more looking at yourself… IN THE MIRROR!

Yeah, I can see how hard you’re working it, ladies, but it’s just NOT WORKING!

Perfect outfit! …for target practice.

I remember we had bed sheets like that… IN THE SEVENTIES!

You’ve probably had enough of this by now. And I don’t blame you!

As usual, I’m finishing off with cute dogs. Of course, they are also decked out in tops for the occasion 😉

…and even pants!

Poor poppet, someone’s chewed off his ear 😦

[To view the Street Snaps series, click here.]

Street Snaps: Mummies At Large & A Leopard Print Rantathon

Another week, another round of frightfully frumpy tourists. I don’t even have words for this:

We’re clearly in Halloween week now, there’s mummies on the loose!

And now, let’s turn to a favourite topic of mine: The merits (or NOT!) of animal print. There’s no escaping it this season, it’s absolutely everywhere. I guess I am a tad biased here, because I grew up with the firmly engrained dogma that leopard print garments were the sole domain of desperate women ‘of a certain age’ who were hell-bent on fighting the unbearable phenomenon of middle-aged invisibility with a sledge hammer.

For the Brits among you, the best known personification of sa(i)d strategy is probably publican Bet Lynch. (Bet Lynch, see left, was a much-beloved character on the long-running British soap Coronation Street).

OK, I will concede that an animal print accessory or item of clothing can, on occasions, look quite stylish, and pretty young women would get away with wearing a crown of dead squirrels on their head. On a mature lady, a nice zebra-striped scarf or snake skin bag can complete an outfit. But there are limits. And we’ll be looking at some pics now where those limits have been transgressed.

I mean, honestly: Is this in any way flattering???? The teenager behind (wearing a tiger sweater, amusingly enough) can’t seem to believe it either!

What does this say to you?
“I have a sexy wild side, come get me!” Or…
“I’m camouflaging a troublesome skin condition!”

No, no, NOOOOOOOOOO!

To counteract the awfulness of all of the above, how about a teensy dog in human clothes:

You are cute, too, but I’m not quite sure you could pull off this outfit…

To view the rest of the Street Snaps series, click here.

Street Snaps: Nutella And Rainbow Hair

Let’s get down to it. This week, I clapped eyes on The Perfect Man. I went weak in the knees as soon as I saw his enormous…

…bucket of Nutella! AND he’s pointing into a jeweller’s window, to the rings!!! (I was so totally fixated on the heavenly tub, though, that I’d not noticed the index finger position until I looked at the picture at home)

Let’s deal with some hairy issues.

Oh my oh my, a glow-in-the-dark pumpkin-head hairdo, and it’s still well over a week to go till Halloween!!!

It’s the blue rinse brigade! And one of them’s giving me the evil eye… best not hang about.

…did you get separated from your tribe…? They’re in the previous pic!

More on the Halloween theme: A Japanese tour guide with white and pink candy stripe hair! Actually, it’s quite cool 🙂

And another shot of her from the back. Love how the brolly matches the hair! She’s very stylish 🙂

Sadly, the same cannot be said for what’s coming (though she certainly looks lovely from the neck up):

Is that her invoice you’re clutching onto, Sir? Looks like you’ve gone for the Deluxe package!  …and stop checking me out, you are creeping the hell out of me!

Some of us are totally oblivious to all of this! Just as well…

[To view the entire Street Snaps series, click here]

Street Snaps: Sightings Of Martians And Grace Jones

Today’s $64 million dollar question: How many fully armed police officers does it take to fix a bollard in Toledo?

And without further a do, let’s launch into the What Were They Thinking When They Got Dressed That Morning section:

Have you run away from the circus…? The fact that your top and your shoes match the garishness in between does NOT make it OK.

Do you wrestle professionally…? Or did it take you weeks of scouring the thrift shops to find THE most unflattering garment imaginable? In that case, mission achieved!

My photo, blurry?! Nope, this is EXACTLY what I saw

Moving on to MEN. It occurred to me that I’d been neglecting the other 50% of the population in previous posts. I shall rectify this at once.

Hello…? Is this NASA? I’m ringing to report that the Martians have landed in Toledo!

The next couple of shots are rather blurry, but I can’t possibly deprive you of this… it’s incredible what some men will do to add a few inches!

It’s the Latino Grace Jones!

Just look how his crowning glory lines up with the brickwork!!! Now that’s what I call a hairline…
Yes, Madam, I do know exactly what you’re chuckling at.

Aw, I like how it all matches – his outfit, the rucksack and the pram! Quite an achievement 🙂 Also, I can relate to the longing stare into the sweet shop…

And just to finish off on an even cutesier note…

I love beagles, I love them!

[To view the rest of the Street Snaps series, click here]

Street Snaps: Pink, Pink Everywhere.

Another week, another rash of snaps from tourist trodden Toledo. We seem to be on a pink theme. Brace yourselves.

“I told you not to wolf whistle at the damn tourists, bro! Now look what you’ve gotten us into. We’re toast!!”

No caption in the world could possibly add anything to this…

And now, we come to our popular Couples’ Corner. Let’s start with these middle-aged Italian folks.

I like pink. I really do. But there is a limit. I hold the firm belief that if you stifle an 8-year-old girl’s pink phase, it’ll break out, with a vengeance, at some later point. Like any childhood disease, it’s much worse when it hits you as an adult. She’s probably got a sparkly tiara tucked into her handbag.
His outfit violently clashing with hers is not even worth a mention.

Right, let’s rest our weary eyes on this couple, where everything works:

Aw, just look at those two in perfect harmony. Her lovely dress with the paisley pattern featuring some pink, with his (albeit a tad more casual) outfit complementing hers. OK, I do have a slight weakness for guys in pink shirts…

Those of you who’ve been following Street Snaps since the beginning may remember that I’ve featured the Japanese lady below once before, but in a different context, on a different photo. But this is just such a great example of the disastrous consequences when SHE copies HIS wardrobe.

OK. Lady. The khaki pants and check shirt work great on him… BUT NOT ON YOU!!!!

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHRGH! WTF are you?! An Alice in Wonderland magic mushroom???

[To view the rest of the Street Snaps series, click here]

Street Snaps: Colour Clash, Nuns & Retro Photographers

Today, I’m linking my weekly Street Snaps post up with Cee’s Fun Photo Challenge, which happens to run under the theme of “Candid Shots” – what a perfect match 🙂

So, what did I spot this week in Toledo’s interminable tourist tumult?

This one was impossible to miss. I think there’s still a residual imprint of her jarring ensemble on the back of my retinas.

I wonder if he’s Czech….?

Toledo is Nun Central. (The city is home to innumerable convents, although, as the franchise is flagging badly these days, most of them are now empty)

How. Do. People. Walk. In. These. Things. HOW?!  …and, more to the point… WHY????

And now moving on the popular Artist’s Corner segment:

I spotted this guy with his peculiar-looking contraption just down the road from me, taking pictures of the World’s Smallest Window. [In case you’d like to admire this curious little hole in the wall close up, here is my short post from a couple of weeks ago.]

The photographer is using a camera from the 1930’s 🙂 The only other thing I managed to extract from him was that he was Polish and living in Berlin.

And, just to finish off, a pic of my friend and I admiring the quality merchandise on offer in Toledo’s shops:

[To view previous Street Snaps posts deriding tourists’ outfits, click here.]

Street Snaps: Brawn, Killer Heels and Sheer Delights

Curious to see what came of last week’s stalking expedition?

Toledo is positively teeming with tourists at weekends, so a half-hour outing usually yields *something*.  So, here we go:

First up is (surely!) an escapee from a Russian prison camp:

Dear KGB, I want my bounty money paid out in cakes.

And now, the Japanese… aw. At least six busloads are deposited in the old town every hour. They are allowed to roam freely for 59 minutes after the obligatory guided tour, then they flock back to their air conditioned sardine cans.

Anxious of the evil effects of the Spanish sun on their carefully cultivated pallor, Japanese ladies don floppy hats, umbrellas and many also wear these protective sleeves:

…because, you know, tanned arms, now THAT would look totally ridiculous…!

How’s this for a fancy outfit:

Although, one has to wonder how far she’s going to get in her footwear on Toledo’s cobble stone streets.

Just as well she’s pushing that buggy. It doubles neatly as a zimmer frame.

I can see your knickers, Madam! And now, so can the whole world! But maybe that’s what she was aiming for all along… am always happy to be of assistance.

[In case you missed last week’s street stalk, it’s here]

Street Snaps: Shopping For Undies

Besides looking a tad uncomfortable and itchy, I’m not convinced they would produce quite the same effect on my behind…

Butt things could be a lot worse… at least I’m not quite ready yet for one of these:

A tent would be cheaper!!!

Pics taken last Tuesday at Toledo’s weekly market. In Spain, these markets (“mercadillos”) are where people buy all sorts of day-to-day stuff  – underwear, socks, pots and pans, T-shirts, bags, shoes, snacks, hamsters, you name it. They tend to be cheaper than the shops.

Street Snaps: Fashion Faux Pas & Famous Musicians

So, yesterday, on a quest for my new Street Snaps project, I went stalking about the streets of Toledo armed with my wee camera. I was a bit apprehensive… taking pictures of people surreptitiously is a tad daunting. However, Toledo’s old town, where I live, is very touristy, with throngs of people from all over the world pointing their gadgets at everything, whether it stands still or moves. I was but a tiny fish in a great big shoal of snappers.

As you can see, I was in good company… this one’s clearly a pro, fully equipped with a K-9 mobile unit in camouflage gear covering her back!

Middle aged couples’ clothes choices are often intriguing… in the 80’s, these two would probably have worn matching his ‘n’ hers outfits, but nowadays, they’re going for the full-on colour clash:

Well, it’s certainly a clever strategy if you don’t want to lose each other in a crowd…

And now onto the next delicate fashion issue that is (a certain kind of) Latin American Woman. Spain has a lot of residents originating from that part of the world, and they tend to be attired in a very particular way. It seems that the main objective, when getting dressed in the morning, is to squeeze their squat, waistless and rather ample bodies into the tightest sausage skin clothes they can find, while, at the same time, showing as much skin as possible.

As luck would have it, I found the perfect specimen yesterday:

And there’s even a clue as to how she’s maintaining her vatwalk physique. She’s also just coming to the end of her ‘blonde’ experiment there – a total classic!

To give you a chance to recover from all of these style sins, I’ve got just the thing for you:

This is the beautiful Ana Alcaide, one of Toledo’s treasures, out busking by the cathedral. She’s playing a traditional Swedish instrument called the nyckelharpa. Ana is quite a famous musician, and always draws a good crowd. You can put her name into YouTube if you want to know what her performances sound like.